Dear Heaven...

Dear Heaven,
When I think of you, I visualize the perfect setting.
Hosting extraordinary people whose memories will never be erased.


I hear you have mountains, rivers, valleys and fields.
Beautiful landscapes with all the time in the world to explore.


And to behold the largest choir singing worship and praise...
I am sure no words would be able to express the awe.


I bet there are parties with all the things we love.
Big feasts of thanksgiving with endless joy and laughter.


And then there's God with Jesus seated at His side.
Ready to bestow His grace, forgiveness and protection.


I know it is far better than my imagination can even comprehend.
It is eternal - the weight of the world lifted forever.


I think of friends and loved ones who are already there.
I wonder if they see our tears and hear our heartfelt prayers.


I speculate what they would share if they could relay a message.
I bet they would tell us that Heaven is far better


Than any earthly things we could ever believe we need.
I am certain that after hearing of your glory, no doubt would be cast.


For it is not this life we should live for.
No, this life has pain, heartache and suffering.


It is the next one - in Heaven - that should have our attention.
So we can anticipate arriving with no fear or trepidation.


I often dream of seeing the angels and looking in the face of God.
And imagine experiencing daily, his abounding adoration and grace.


There are countless things we will not understand this side of you,
but Heaven, I trust that God will always see us through.


Until then,
Sarah

In loving remembrance,

on this day and all days...

Shannon Jacob Smith

12/16/82 to 5/24/09

Real Life

We watched Julie & Julia this past weekend and I thought it was adorable. Tom thought it was just "good" but based on his laughing literally out loud at some parts, I think he was being a tad conservative with his vote. I'm easily inspired by others, so not only did I want to go pick up a thick cookbook and start making my way through unexplored culinary territory, but I wanted to love my husband the way that Julia loved hers. I know it's just a movie, but it was based on her real life and I had no idea the special bond she shared with her husband. Julia and Paul seemed truly in love and content with one another. They worked alongside one another and encouraged each other to reach their full potential. They laughed and ate and loved life. Julia had such a positive outlook.

Being my sentimental self, I compared their life as a married couple to my real life with Tom. I can see him praising me in front of a group of friends, or encouraging me to do something that may scare me out of my mind but he knows I am capable of (triathlon.) Aside from being honest, loyal, loving and many more things that I've probably mentioned before, my husband has helped me through a very difficult 9 months in ways he probably doesn't even realize. We rarely talk about it because talking about it is difficult, but when we do, Tom speaks gently...with concern and a deep desire to help make everything easier. He has been in a tough situation - helping his wife grieve for a young man who at one point in time she thought she would marry.

My ex boyfriend from college died in a motorcycle accident last Memorial Day.

(deep breaths...)

It pains me to say or write or think those words. I catch myself saying "Shannon is gone" over and over in my mind, but rarely can I say those words out loud without my heart racing and tears welling in my eyes. So I typically avoid them. I say "my friend" or "the accident" but I try to leave the word Shannon out of a spoken sentence with the words died, Heaven and forever.

I have found a few safe people I can talk to about it, but honestly my husband has not been one of them. Can you blame him for not really knowing what to say though? I can't. After standing by my side in the hours and days that surrounded hearing about the accident and then Shannon's visitation and funeral, I felt so blessed to be loved by such a courageous man. Tom could have gotten upset or defensive about things, but his gentleness in those very tender moments was truly beyond my comprehension. As the weeks went on, I attempted a few times to talk to him about "stuff," but his reaction or words didn't quite fit with what I had hoped for or needed in that instant. I didn't expect him to understand what I was feeling. Slowly we've healed together though. Tom knows without my saying anything why I may be having a tough day or why my pillow is stained with tears. He doesn't dismiss my feelings or question my love for him. Ever. He brushes the hair from my eyes and hugs me through it. His quiet "it's ok, honey" - even now - when I'm not strong enough to verbally express what I'm feeling, is all I need to hear.

Our wedding vows say that we will love each other when we are together and when we are apart. When our lives are at peace and when they are in turmoil...

My husband has done just that. And I love him so much for it.

Tom,

I know this road hasn't been easy for either of us. I hope and pray that eventually when we look back on this time, though difficult and trying, we will see that we've grown closer to one another and to God. Thank you for being patient with me and comforting me even when the words haven't come easily. You are an amazing man and I delight in being your wife.

Love always,

Today is All I Have

Back in August we went to church with my sister-in-law, Trisha. Tom's parents were in town for the weekend so the five of us went to the Saturday evening service. I was looking forward to good music (our small church is getting there) and an uplifting message. So imagine my surprise when the message topic turned out to be on grief.

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"Oh, perfect timing," I said to myself as thoughts of the accident quickly consumed my mind. "Here I am with the in-laws at a new church and I'm going to be a crying mess."

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Well indeed I got more than good music and an uplifting message. I've wanted to recap what I learned and felt that day but kept avoiding reviewing the message b/c sometimes it just plain bites to be reminded of what/who is gone and why you know anything about grief in the first place. I've been processing and thinking about it ever since. The whole situation reiterates how God knows exactly what we need to hear and when we need to hear it...

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The message started off being about the summer movie hit "Up." The pastor took us through the story of this old grumpy guy named Carl. Not always grumpy, Carl deeply loved his wife and they shared some very happy and some very sad times together. "Up" is about Carl's process of learning to live again after Ellie dies.

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"OK, this will be cute," I thought.

"I mean it is a cartoon and all...it can't go too deep."

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And then the pastor threw out a quote by Alan Sachs - "Death is more universal than life; everyone dies but not everyone lives." As I took that in, he went on to give examples of how cruel life can be sometimes. He talked about how sometimes life throws us punches and we start just going through the motions; not fully alive b/c of something we've lost.

House

Health

Job

Marriage

Someone

A dream

Faith in God

Carl holds tightly to every little thing that says "Ellie." He doesn't want to let go of anything that represents her or their life together. The defining moment in the movie comes when he has to make a decision about letting go of some things from his past. As the lump formed in my throat and my thoughts raced from one thing to another to another, the pastor asked us "Carl's" how we are dealing with our loss -- in my case the death of a friend.

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"Well...

Crying. A lot.

Talking to close friends.

Journaling.

Lots of quiet time.

Lots of prayer," I thought.

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He went on to talk about David in 2 Samuel 12. David's baby dies. (We won't get in to all the details leading up to this point.) And told us that there is something to learn from David's way of expressing his grief.

1. He didn't repress it. He openly weeps, facing the pain.

2. He didn't go in to isolation. He needed support.

3. He didn't needlessly hang on. He faced reality.

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As I fought the tears that inevitably made their way down my cheeks,

I heard the pastor say...

"Yesterday is gone. Doesn't matter how tightly we hang on to yesterday or how much we think about what happened or how much we've lost - I can't change it. Tomorrow is uncertain. Today is all I have. As long as I'm trying to hold on to and relive yesterday, I won't see today as a gift."

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4. He didn't give up on God. Despite his pain and sorrow, David went on to write Psalm 34: 17 & 18: The righteous cry out and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

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I know David's way isn't for everyone but it definitely gave me some things to think about. Is it easier said than done? Absolutely. If I'm having a bad day, I force myself to think about the glory of Heaven and all that is waiting. It comforts me to know my loved ones are there. I picture them and try to wrap my mind around what they're doing at this. very. moment. I wish I knew but I know my time will come. My salvation isn't something I take lightly especially when the reality is that today is all I have. Tomorrow is not guaranteed and we can't do anything about the past. It's this day and this moment that matter. It's been a trying process of getting back on my feet since Shannon's accident. I've become well aware that time is fleeting and if one good thing has happened within me since he met Jesus, it's the fact that I daily anticipate my own reunion with my Savior. I am far from making the most of every moment and living like each day is my last, but in the midst of my failures, I know his grace covers me. I wish I didn't know the ache and feeling of losing someone I loved or having friends and family members struggle with their own grief. But I do and even still, I don't just want to go through the motions. I want to see today as a gift. And my deepest prayer for others in a season of loss is that they too would eventually see today as a gift.

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The pastor ended the message having us all answer the question: "what do I have left?" So many things would be on my list but to start...

#1. My husband

#2. Today

Ending prayer: God, would you rescue me b/c I don't want to go through the motions for another day. Heal me. Put the broken pieces together again and give me a reason to live. We thank you for this day that you have made and pray you'd do a work of redemption in us. Amen.

Before & After

Do you ever think of your life as "before this happened" and "after this happened"? I do. For awhile it was before college and after college. Lots of changes took place for me personally during the "inbetween" of that "before and after" leading to very clear definition between the two time periods. I have always looked back on my college years with bittersweet remembrance because it's there that some of the best times in my life took place but also some of the worst. (I choose to focus on the good, for the most part.) Then it was before I started dating Tom and after I started dating Tom. "Before Tom I (fill in blank) and then once we started dating I (fill in blank)." I have been so blessed to see God's work in my life, always for the better as times have changed...

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As some of you may know, there was an accident over Memorial Day Weekend this year. Someone passed away who I had a long history with. Instantly I was changed. Most recently, I've lived "before and after" MDW. Before MDW, I actually spent time getting ready for work, made complete to do lists and rarely forgot things, was focused and thorough at my job, looked for new recipes and cooked for my husband, looked at the passing of time by the month, was always waiting for the next fun event to look forward to, among many other "normal" life things. After MDW, I have struggled keeping things straight with my mind constantly racing, felt frequently on the verge of tears, made several mistakes at work for no reason other than just being "out of it", had my heart race at every sight or sound of a motorcycle and in general just been processing a lot. I'm not sure what Tom has eaten the last 2 months but thankfully he's not too famished. This week alone, I've been to the grocery store four times - count it - four times because of forgotten items. I've had to plan way ahead to remember to write and mail anniversaries and birthday cards but I've managed to get them out on time. I've had to relax a bit (hard for me when I like everything done a certain way) and be ok with dinner guests waiting 40 minutes to eat and a 4th of July jello pie that turned out looking less than appealing because of my lack of attention to detail in following the recipe. (It looked so easy - HA.) I now look at time by the week...8th week, 9th week, 10th week....since "the accident."

On the positive side, I think deeper and pray harder. Small things that I used to find important just aren't anymore. What IS important is family and friends and making sure they know I love and appreciate them, living my daily life out so He is glorified, being thankful for my blessings and not taking each day for granted while trying to make the most of it. I feel like I've made a lot of progress in the last week despite the ridiculous number of times I have had to make a grocery run *smile. I found a new recipe (Chinese Sauteed Cabbage) bought the ingredients and actually made it for my husband. I started a blog - something I had wanted to do for months. I woke up early on Saturday and went garage saleing. I got my bum off the couch and started a refinishing project this weekend and it's going to be beautiful! I recently accomplished something at work that has been on my to do list way too long. With steps forward come a few steps back - yesterday was a tough day - but I think I'm finally finding my footing.

I lost a good friend. Maybe not in recent years, but you know that "inbetween" stage of the before and after college? He was there for all of that. I can't think of that stage without thinking about him. I am with my husband because of him. I am a lot of things because of him and I will always miss him. I was nervous to say all of this because I don't want anything to be misleading or be a cause for judgement. I hope if you're reading, you know my heart.

So guess what? I finally curled my hair yesterday AND I wore heels. I hadn't done both of those together since "before MDW." Baby steps, right? *smile.

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On a different note, I had a woman approach me Tuesday after work while I was walking to my bus. She asked if I knew where she could get a free can of formula for her baby. She was dressed well, very kind and you could tell it pained her to explain to me about her situation. I heard "husband took off with all money and credit cards" and "tried every place" and "three kids" and "out of formula." My heart broke for her. It's moments like that I wish I carried a $20 emergency bill in my purse or had the right thing to say to encourage her or better yet, change her life. I hope she knows the love of Jesus and if not, I pray that today she feels it from the top of her head to her toes. And I hope she was able to find a can of free formula...

What is the "formula" in your life? I'd love to pray for you.