Real Life

We watched Julie & Julia this past weekend and I thought it was adorable. Tom thought it was just "good" but based on his laughing literally out loud at some parts, I think he was being a tad conservative with his vote. I'm easily inspired by others, so not only did I want to go pick up a thick cookbook and start making my way through unexplored culinary territory, but I wanted to love my husband the way that Julia loved hers. I know it's just a movie, but it was based on her real life and I had no idea the special bond she shared with her husband. Julia and Paul seemed truly in love and content with one another. They worked alongside one another and encouraged each other to reach their full potential. They laughed and ate and loved life. Julia had such a positive outlook.

Being my sentimental self, I compared their life as a married couple to my real life with Tom. I can see him praising me in front of a group of friends, or encouraging me to do something that may scare me out of my mind but he knows I am capable of (triathlon.) Aside from being honest, loyal, loving and many more things that I've probably mentioned before, my husband has helped me through a very difficult 9 months in ways he probably doesn't even realize. We rarely talk about it because talking about it is difficult, but when we do, Tom speaks gently...with concern and a deep desire to help make everything easier. He has been in a tough situation - helping his wife grieve for a young man who at one point in time she thought she would marry.

My ex boyfriend from college died in a motorcycle accident last Memorial Day.

(deep breaths...)

It pains me to say or write or think those words. I catch myself saying "Shannon is gone" over and over in my mind, but rarely can I say those words out loud without my heart racing and tears welling in my eyes. So I typically avoid them. I say "my friend" or "the accident" but I try to leave the word Shannon out of a spoken sentence with the words died, Heaven and forever.

I have found a few safe people I can talk to about it, but honestly my husband has not been one of them. Can you blame him for not really knowing what to say though? I can't. After standing by my side in the hours and days that surrounded hearing about the accident and then Shannon's visitation and funeral, I felt so blessed to be loved by such a courageous man. Tom could have gotten upset or defensive about things, but his gentleness in those very tender moments was truly beyond my comprehension. As the weeks went on, I attempted a few times to talk to him about "stuff," but his reaction or words didn't quite fit with what I had hoped for or needed in that instant. I didn't expect him to understand what I was feeling. Slowly we've healed together though. Tom knows without my saying anything why I may be having a tough day or why my pillow is stained with tears. He doesn't dismiss my feelings or question my love for him. Ever. He brushes the hair from my eyes and hugs me through it. His quiet "it's ok, honey" - even now - when I'm not strong enough to verbally express what I'm feeling, is all I need to hear.

Our wedding vows say that we will love each other when we are together and when we are apart. When our lives are at peace and when they are in turmoil...

My husband has done just that. And I love him so much for it.

Tom,

I know this road hasn't been easy for either of us. I hope and pray that eventually when we look back on this time, though difficult and trying, we will see that we've grown closer to one another and to God. Thank you for being patient with me and comforting me even when the words haven't come easily. You are an amazing man and I delight in being your wife.

Love always,