Back in August we went to church with my sister-in-law, Trisha. Tom's parents were in town for the weekend so the five of us went to the Saturday evening service. I was looking forward to good music (our small church is getting there) and an uplifting message. So imagine my surprise when the message topic turned out to be on grief.
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"Oh, perfect timing," I said to myself as thoughts of the accident quickly consumed my mind. "Here I am with the in-laws at a new church and I'm going to be a crying mess."
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Well indeed I got more than good music and an uplifting message. I've wanted to recap what I learned and felt that day but kept avoiding reviewing the message b/c sometimes it just plain bites to be reminded of what/who is gone and why you know anything about grief in the first place. I've been processing and thinking about it ever since. The whole situation reiterates how God knows exactly what we need to hear and when we need to hear it...
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The message started off being about the summer movie hit "Up." The pastor took us through the story of this old grumpy guy named Carl. Not always grumpy, Carl deeply loved his wife and they shared some very happy and some very sad times together. "Up" is about Carl's process of learning to live again after Ellie dies.
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"OK, this will be cute," I thought.
"I mean it is a cartoon and all...it can't go too deep."
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And then the pastor threw out a quote by Alan Sachs - "Death is more universal than life; everyone dies but not everyone lives." As I took that in, he went on to give examples of how cruel life can be sometimes. He talked about how sometimes life throws us punches and we start just going through the motions; not fully alive b/c of something we've lost.
House
Health
Job
Marriage
Someone
A dream
Faith in God
Carl holds tightly to every little thing that says "Ellie." He doesn't want to let go of anything that represents her or their life together. The defining moment in the movie comes when he has to make a decision about letting go of some things from his past. As the lump formed in my throat and my thoughts raced from one thing to another to another, the pastor asked us "Carl's" how we are dealing with our loss -- in my case the death of a friend.
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"Well...
Crying. A lot.
Talking to close friends.
Journaling.
Lots of quiet time.
Lots of prayer," I thought.
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He went on to talk about David in 2 Samuel 12. David's baby dies. (We won't get in to all the details leading up to this point.) And told us that there is something to learn from David's way of expressing his grief.
1. He didn't repress it. He openly weeps, facing the pain.
2. He didn't go in to isolation. He needed support.
3. He didn't needlessly hang on. He faced reality.
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As I fought the tears that inevitably made their way down my cheeks,
I heard the pastor say...
"Yesterday is gone. Doesn't matter how tightly we hang on to yesterday or how much we think about what happened or how much we've lost - I can't change it. Tomorrow is uncertain. Today is all I have. As long as I'm trying to hold on to and relive yesterday, I won't see today as a gift."
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4. He didn't give up on God. Despite his pain and sorrow, David went on to write Psalm 34: 17 & 18: The righteous cry out and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
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I know David's way isn't for everyone but it definitely gave me some things to think about. Is it easier said than done? Absolutely. If I'm having a bad day, I force myself to think about the glory of Heaven and all that is waiting. It comforts me to know my loved ones are there. I picture them and try to wrap my mind around what they're doing at this. very. moment. I wish I knew but I know my time will come. My salvation isn't something I take lightly especially when the reality is that today is all I have. Tomorrow is not guaranteed and we can't do anything about the past. It's this day and this moment that matter. It's been a trying process of getting back on my feet since Shannon's accident. I've become well aware that time is fleeting and if one good thing has happened within me since he met Jesus, it's the fact that I daily anticipate my own reunion with my Savior. I am far from making the most of every moment and living like each day is my last, but in the midst of my failures, I know his grace covers me. I wish I didn't know the ache and feeling of losing someone I loved or having friends and family members struggle with their own grief. But I do and even still, I don't just want to go through the motions. I want to see today as a gift. And my deepest prayer for others in a season of loss is that they too would eventually see today as a gift.
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The pastor ended the message having us all answer the question: "what do I have left?" So many things would be on my list but to start...
#1. My husband
#2. Today
Ending prayer: God, would you rescue me b/c I don't want to go through the motions for another day. Heal me. Put the broken pieces together again and give me a reason to live. We thank you for this day that you have made and pray you'd do a work of redemption in us. Amen.
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