Do you ever think of your life as "before this happened" and "after this happened"? I do. For awhile it was before college and after college. Lots of changes took place for me personally during the "inbetween" of that "before and after" leading to very clear definition between the two time periods. I have always looked back on my college years with bittersweet remembrance because it's there that some of the best times in my life took place but also some of the worst. (I choose to focus on the good, for the most part.) Then it was before I started dating Tom and after I started dating Tom. "Before Tom I (fill in blank) and then once we started dating I (fill in blank)." I have been so blessed to see God's work in my life, always for the better as times have changed...
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As some of you may know, there was an accident over Memorial Day Weekend this year. Someone passed away who I had a long history with. Instantly I was changed. Most recently, I've lived "before and after" MDW. Before MDW, I actually spent time getting ready for work, made complete to do lists and rarely forgot things, was focused and thorough at my job, looked for new recipes and cooked for my husband, looked at the passing of time by the month, was always waiting for the next fun event to look forward to, among many other "normal" life things. After MDW, I have struggled keeping things straight with my mind constantly racing, felt frequently on the verge of tears, made several mistakes at work for no reason other than just being "out of it", had my heart race at every sight or sound of a motorcycle and in general just been processing a lot. I'm not sure what Tom has eaten the last 2 months but thankfully he's not too famished. This week alone, I've been to the grocery store four times - count it - four times because of forgotten items. I've had to plan way ahead to remember to write and mail anniversaries and birthday cards but I've managed to get them out on time. I've had to relax a bit (hard for me when I like everything done a certain way) and be ok with dinner guests waiting 40 minutes to eat and a 4th of July jello pie that turned out looking less than appealing because of my lack of attention to detail in following the recipe. (It looked so easy - HA.) I now look at time by the week...8th week, 9th week, 10th week....since "the accident."
On the positive side, I think deeper and pray harder. Small things that I used to find important just aren't anymore. What IS important is family and friends and making sure they know I love and appreciate them, living my daily life out so He is glorified, being thankful for my blessings and not taking each day for granted while trying to make the most of it. I feel like I've made a lot of progress in the last week despite the ridiculous number of times I have had to make a grocery run *smile. I found a new recipe (Chinese Sauteed Cabbage) bought the ingredients and actually made it for my husband. I started a blog - something I had wanted to do for months. I woke up early on Saturday and went garage saleing. I got my bum off the couch and started a refinishing project this weekend and it's going to be beautiful! I recently accomplished something at work that has been on my to do list way too long. With steps forward come a few steps back - yesterday was a tough day - but I think I'm finally finding my footing.
I lost a good friend. Maybe not in recent years, but you know that "inbetween" stage of the before and after college? He was there for all of that. I can't think of that stage without thinking about him. I am with my husband because of him. I am a lot of things because of him and I will always miss him. I was nervous to say all of this because I don't want anything to be misleading or be a cause for judgement. I hope if you're reading, you know my heart.
So guess what? I finally curled my hair yesterday AND I wore heels. I hadn't done both of those together since "before MDW." Baby steps, right? *smile.
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On a different note, I had a woman approach me Tuesday after work while I was walking to my bus. She asked if I knew where she could get a free can of formula for her baby. She was dressed well, very kind and you could tell it pained her to explain to me about her situation. I heard "husband took off with all money and credit cards" and "tried every place" and "three kids" and "out of formula." My heart broke for her. It's moments like that I wish I carried a $20 emergency bill in my purse or had the right thing to say to encourage her or better yet, change her life. I hope she knows the love of Jesus and if not, I pray that today she feels it from the top of her head to her toes. And I hope she was able to find a can of free formula...
What is the "formula" in your life? I'd love to pray for you.
