I didn't even really follow the original directions of the #SheReadsTruth experiment, but I'm thankful it helped me think about and put into words some other things that were laying heavily on my heart. I think I had to start there before I could get here.
So as I mentioned in my earlier post, we were encouraged to read Psalm 38 and share what we learned from the passage. I love the Psalms for many reasons, but couldn't believe how fitting this particular one was for me.
I pulled out the lines that really spoke to my heart...
O Lord, do not discipline me in your wrath
your arrows have pierced me
my guilt has overwhelmed me
like a burden too heavy to bear
because of my foolishness
my back is filled with searing pain
I am feeble and utterly crushed
I groin in anguish of heart
all my longings lie open
my heart pounds
my strength fails me
I am like a deaf man, who cannot hear
like a mute, who can cannot open his mouth
I wait for you, O Lord
you will answer
my pain is ever with me
I am troubled by my sin
O Lord, do not forsake me
be not far from me
come quickly
my Savior
I could totally relate to David's physical and mental pain and discomfort due to his own sin and guilt, and his longing and desire for God to hear him, have mercy on and forgive him, and heal him. I've often wondered if God gets sick of me because there are certain areas of my life I am still working on after years and years and years. That has to get frustrating, but then again I'm reminded that He deals so graciously with us with love and compassion. Plus His word promises that He who began a good work in us will perfect it until the day of Jesus Christ. Not before, but until. So we'll always be working on things and growing and being sanctified. And another awesome thing is that He doesn't give up on us. No, instead His arrows - though often painful - keep coming until we recognize and put off that sin that grieves us so much.
Charles Spurgeon said, "It seems strange that the Lord should shoot at his own beloved ones, but in truth he shoots at their sins rather than them, and those who feel his sin killing shafts in this life, shall not be slain with his hot thunderbolts in the next world."
I don't like sharp objects especially when they pierce my heart, but I know it's all done out of love and mercy.
And then the guilt and weight of past sin. That alone can smother out and blind us from God's blessings in our lives. Why do I find it so difficult to grasp what Christ did for me on the cross? I want to be more like Paul who says in Philippians 3:13-14, "Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."
It's a race and a battle, but the battle has already been won. We have to press on in faith toward the upward goal.
For me, I suffer from chronic low back pain. I can't remember a day in the last nine years that I wasn't uncomfortable and in some level of pain. I'm stiff in the morning often relying on Advil to get me through the day. I fall into bed at night achy. There are some mornings I struggle to put my socks and shoes on. I can't do the activities I once did. I have tried everything I can think of to get rid of my pain, but it just sticks around. I can live with it, but I don't want to. I rarely talk about it because I'm so used to it, yet often it's the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing I think of at night.
I don't know what David's pain was, but I can relate on some level.
Couple that with feelings of inadequacy, guilt, shame, regret, among other nasty lies from the enemy and I feel like he took the words right out of my mouth. Guess what "feeble" means according to dictionary.com?
physically weak
mentally weak
frail
lacking in volume or brightness
lacking in force, strength and effectiveness
Um...David? If you're listening, thank you. Thank you for not being ashamed of your thoughts and feelings and for crying out to God in such a way that I can mimic. (See why I love the Psalms?!)
I am so feeble sometimes. And when I'm feeble I get all emotional and anxious and distracted and tired. So so tired.
However, the good Lord doesn't stand us up. We don't even have to share with Him yet he understands. There is nothing He doesn't already know and nothing is hidden from Him. I think He wants us to wait in expectation and in hope (v. 15).
And I think it's healthy to be troubled by our sin (v. 18). Confessing and walking in the light are amazing ways of fellowshipping with God and growing in our likeness of Him. Our sin is ugly and we should want to cut it off. It's not easy, but it's always worth it. Just like David, I pray that the Lord would "be not far from me" and "come quickly." Something I'm really praying for in my own life is that I would daily go to the Word in such a way that I come to depend on it. This all ties in to what I shared this morning about breaking the hard habit of sleeping in and choosing my flesh over time with God. I have so many areas in my life that need time and attention, and I just won't make the progress I so desperately desire without cultivating an eager dependence on the one who heals and restores.
My hubby sent this to me yesterday morning as encouragement, and I love it. It's convicting and hurts a bit because it's so darn true, but that makes me appreciate it even more. It's the reason I woke up early this morning and had those precious moments to finally pour out and try to make sense of some big heart issues.
"I ought to pray before seeing any one. Often when I sleep long, or meet with others early, it is eleven or twelve o'clock before I begin secret prayer. This is a wretched system. It us unscriptural. Christ arose before day and went into a solitary place. David says: "Early will I seek thee"; "Thou shalt early hear my voice." Family prayer loses much of its power and sweetness, and I can do no good to those who come to seek from me. The conscience feels guilty, the soul unfed, the lamp not trimmed. Then when in secret prayer the soul is often out of tune, I feel it is far better to begin with God-to see his face first, to get my soul near him before it is near another." - Robert Murray McCheyne
So I'll leave you with that, and I pray that God will be first in our thoughts and efforts each day no matter what pain we're dealing with emotionally or physically. Feeble or not.
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