Sharing Truth - Part I

Ya know, it's been a long, busy, crazy, fun, lonely, trying, lovely year. Raising two kids is much harder than raising one. It's double the work, but double the blessing. It's double the effort, but double the kisses and laughter and joy. In the midst of having a toddler and a baby, I'll be honest and say I feel like I've kind of lost myself. Life has become this chase of work demands and house and home to dos. Always chasing it seems, while never being ahead of the game. The days pass by and while my cup overflows, still I feel this emptiness. It's this amazingly weird combination because it doesn't make sense.

I feel like I'm on a journey. A big and long one. I'm so glad God has brought me to this place, because honestly, I'm just sick of myself.

I'm sick of my selfishness and my complaining and my impatience and my anger and my covetousness and my groaning and my blaming and my comparing and my laziness. Sin is so ugly. And so real. The devil wants to steal good things from us, including our joy. He comes to kill and destroy families and marriages and dreams and health and wholeness.

Oh, I'd never allow him to do that, we say. But we do. Little by little, every day.

Because it's not even like one day everything was fine and then the next day it was hard. Rather, it's been this slight downward slope of things. I used to be a morning person, even with a newborn. I loved waking up early to read my devotionals and start my day. I wouldn't think of coming downstairs without being dressed and ready (currently sitting here in my jam jams and robe.) And then one day of sleeping in turned into two and then three and then weeks and then months. I'd try to fit Him in at random times throughout the day, but then even that went by the wayside when my Facebook app started getting more attention than my Bible app. I couldn't wait for Conrad to nurse so I could just sit. And read. Facebook.

Sin.

And then there's Joe Joe cookies. Seems so silly, but they just represent my absolute lack of self control. I got over them. Only to replace them with some other form of sweetness. One hole filled with another.

And this ever present pull to be a better mom who has a more set schedule and more one on one time and whose kids are active and never watch TV (ha) and who love nature and who are respectful and kind. And according to Facebook, added bonuses would be kids who can do back bends, memorize Bible verses, eat hummus, and travel the world (all of which are wonderful.)

Gwendolyn's my daughter so the chances of her being able to bend into a back bend are probably pretty slim. And that's ok. I have the best kids, and my days are filled with the sweetest moments. We're all unique with different strengths and weaknesses and bank accounts. I love seeing what other moms do with their kiddos, but the devil certainly knows where I am weak and uses those things to throw lies at my face. And because I'm selfishly sleeping in (morning time isn't for everyone) when my heart is longing for more time with Him, I feel those lies and what is scariest is that I start to believe them.

I'm not sure whether it was post-partum depression or just life being way too filled with "things", but this fall was rough. Tom and I were like two ships passing in the night - both stressed and overwhelmed with work to do and no strength to do it. (At least it felt that way.) I was constantly pulled between baby dolls and my computer. Between puzzles and editing. Between crumbs and emails. I'd get Gwendolyn set up with lunch and almost run to the desk chair to see what I could accomplish in 20 minutes, 40 minutes if cartoons where on. So usually 40 minutes. I don't even know where Conrad was. Probably sleeping. Not on schedule.

I cried often and was so so overwhelmed. My husband told me he missed me, and my marriage seemed like the last thing on my mind. My body hurt all over from being too busy and rushing about. I was anxious. In my eyes, the photography work I did was rarely good enough compared to other more seasoned photographers I follow on social media. I didn't believe in myself. The kids went to daycare twice a week and I missed them. I never accomplished enough while they were there and would feel so guilty at the end of the day. We skipped play dates because we were too busy, and whereas fall used to be my favorite season, evening family walks were rare. Saturdays were filled with either travel or photography shoots. I have no recollection of what we ever ate for dinner. It's such a blur.

I tried to maintain everything I used to do and more all while adding a new baby to the mix. And it just didn't work. I mean, we all survived but it was rough. The kids are resilient and well loved so didn't notice a thing, but deep down my heart was heavy.

This blog was originally intended to be a writers blog. And then I had children and it's become more of a place to document our families day to day activities, which is wonderful since I'm super sentimental, almost to a fault. I've missed writing but honestly it's been so difficult. I haven't felt led and the words just don't come. Not to mention finding the time. I also have felt completely inadequate to write anything that anyone could learn from when I feel like I'm a bit of a mess behind the scenes.

But here I am. Because God is in the business of healing and restoring and bringing about new life.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

I'm so thankful He doesn't leave us where we're at and give up on us! I can't imagine serving a God who would do that. I'm at a point now where I am realizing that I have things in my past that I need to deal with and work on and put behind me. I want to experience freedom rather than guilt. I want Christ to be my focus, not the things of this world. I want joy, not sorrow. I want peace, not shame. I'm so sick of the sin in my life and the ugly person it makes me. My sins are forgiven and I have Christ's righteousness and power, and I need and want to live like that is the truth.

So I'm on a journey.

You have no idea how light I feel right now. My fingers are tingling. It feels so wonderful to write and be transparent. I pray the changes I want to implement through God's power working in me are life long and not temporary. He's so real and close. And it's only by His power that I can overcome my sinful flesh and desires (like eating things that aren't healthy for me and getting out of bed in the morning, to name two on a list of hundreds.)

All of this has been building for quite some time, but it's because I started reading SheReadsTruth and signed up for the daily email devotional. On Fridays, they're encouraging us to read different scripture and share what we've learned on our blogs. I missed last Fridays, but this week was Psalm 38. I read it the first time earlier this week and couldn't believe how much it resonated with me. I've read it since then and can't wait to share with you what I've gleaned, but it really is what prompted me to share all of this.

I was able to write all of the above before I heard the pitter patter of little feet coming down the stairs. It's a miracle! I hadn't intended on writing this today, but I praise God that I did and I thank Him for giving me the words. (And the quiet time! Woo!) Gwendolyn is requesting more breakfast now so I'll have to write a Part II, hopefully during nap time.

I'm not even lying, she just said behind me while sitting at the table..."Mom, we need to do our Bible verse." And then went on to say completely on her own, "we must obey God rather than men." from Acts 5:29. (We use the Fighter Verses app and work on verses during meal times.) I have never heard her recite it completely on her own without a bit of help to get started. It's just amazing to me that God can and does use a little two-year-old (for 10 more days!) to speak to us. And remind us that He's always with us, cheering us on even while we sit in our jam jams and robes. And also that maybe we're doing a better job as parents than we think we are.

And that's what my heart's desire is this very day...to obey God rather than men.

I hope you'll join me.

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What's a post without some recent pictures?! :)