Well...

We survived.

I have cried when just looking at Gwen a few times in the last two weeks. I also sobbed through our dinner Wednesday night thinking about how I wouldn't be there to comfort her or see her eyes light up when she got excited. I was anticipating my arms just feeling completely empty while sitting at my desk...but that's not how it was at all. It really is a testament to prayer (there were a lot of people praying for us) because I felt completely calm and collected and did.not.shed.a.tear.

Yes, you read that correctly. I didn't cry.

 We had a rough night too so I was very tired on top of everything else. The morning went fairly smoothly for our first run through - I showered, got ready and finished right when she was waking up, changed her diaper and got her dressed, nursed her, had her play on her play mat while Tom and I got our lunches and coffee ready and I packed my bag, loaded her up and off we went to daycare. Kathy was waiting for us at the door and excited for Gwen's first day. I explained a few things, gave her our paperwork, kissed her one last time and that was it. Even I was surprised how well it all went despite the emotions I had been experiencing leading up to the big day. I had a frog in my throat on the way to Kathy's and when I said goodbye, but was able to keep it together.

It was so odd driving to the parking lot, walking to the bus, finding a seat, getting off at my stop, walking into my building and seeing all of my coworkers, but refreshing at the same time. I walked into my cube to find a huge smiling sun balloon, peace lily, candy and card from a coworker - all of which greatly lifted my spirits. My boss also gave me a beautiful plant. Part of me feels like I was gone for so much longer than 12 weeks, but another part of me feels like I never left. Everyone was excited to see me and get a Gwen update, which I happily obliged to. Pumping also went well. Gotta love my new hands free pumping bra.

I called Kathy for an update twice - the first time I could hear Gwen crying in the background, but Kathy assured me all was well and she was getting a lot of love. She said she was sweet as a peach. The second time I called, Kathy said she was an angel (she knows how to ease a new mom's mind *smile) and was sitting on her lap watching all the action. The little stinker didn't sleep much and gave Kathy a little bit of a hard time with her bottle (she loses interest pretty quickly), but I think overall it was a good day. We got home, had a family hug, I nursed her and then she cashed out on my chest for two hours. Bliss. Kathy also mentioned that Gwen farts a lot, which cracks me up. I hadn't really noticed it until we got home tonight and sure enough - toot toot toot. Bless her 12 week old heart. Squish!

And then to top it all of, Kathy likes to give her new families a meal for their first night. Tom said it was the best chicken salad he's ever had. In fact, he went as far as to steal my line and say, "I don't want it to end." What a blessing it was to not have to worry about dinner.

So excited to get my hands on her!

So tired. 

Both of us.

There are several factors that probably contributed GREATLY to our day going so well...

• Knowing I get to stay home with her tomorrow. And Saturday and Sunday. •

• A lot of encouragement from friends and family. •

• The reassurance that Kathy has done this many times for many years, and Gwen will adapt. •

• My husband telling me I look "hot" in my work pants. •

• A team lunch to catch up with everyone. •

• Chicken (best he's ever had) salad on croissants, fresh fruit, cucumber salad and bon bons for dinner. •

• Lots and lots of prayer for strength. •

What a day!

I think after all of that, I deserve a massage. How does 10:00 am tomorrow morning sound? Perfect! *smile.

Now off to bed for hopefully a pleasant night...