Breathe. Peace. Surrender.

I will admit I've been a bit overwhelmed and anxious recently. I've had such mixed emotions about being almost done with this pregnancy, and of course since many people are asking how I'm doing and feeling, I've had my mind on it a lot more recently. This is such a bittersweet moment in time. I am on the edge of my seat to meet this little baby boy and hold him in my arms and kiss his whole face, and at the same time it seems my heart is already taken by a little girl named Gwendolyn Rebecca that makes me wonder how in the world I could ever love someone else as much as I adore and love her. What amazes me the most, is that our hearts are capable of such love. In this incredible way, even though it seems impossible, I know it will be so.

I was emailing with a girlfriend recently and we were talking about this mom guilt. (So reassuring to know I'm not alone, by the way.) There have been so many sweet moments with Gwendolyn recently that have brought tears to my eyes. She'll put her hands on my face and kiss me and look me in the eyes and say  quietly, "I love you." Or she'll just come up behind me and scratch my back or play with my hair. And of course, as an emotional pregnant woman about to go into labor, these special little moments pull at my heart strings in ways I've never felt before because I know in a very short time, her entire world is going to be completely different. It's just been us for two years. Two years of some of the most amazing days of my entire life. We've shared and done so much together and as a family and really, it's been so easy to have one child. Tom and I work so well together and were blessed with a calm, tender-hearted little girl (except for when she's not.) It's easy to run to Target or go on a play date or a walk or travel or eat out. We have plenty of time for "us" and are rarely low on sleep these days (even at almost 38 weeks pregnant.) Gwendolyn doesn't have to fight for a lap to sit on or arms to hold her. She can read as many books as her heart desires before night nights, and has our undivided attention when her love tank is empty or she falls or needs something. We've tried not to spoil her per-say,  but as first time parents,  it's just been our natural response to want to give her the world.

In addition, I've been so focused on when he'll arrive (selfishly hoping for as much time as possible) and thinking about everything that still needs to happen around here in order to be ready. (Are you ever really ready?)

What if we don't get everything done?
What if labor doesn't go as I had hoped?

What if I miss the way things used to be? 

What if Gwendolyn feels rejected?

What if she doesn't need me anymore?

What if baby brother doesn't get as much attention?

What if they don't bond as siblings?

What if I struggle to be a mom of two?

What if I struggle to be a mom and a Godly wife?

What if it's too hard?

What if I feel stretched too thin?

What if I fail?

What if...

What if...

What if...

Then God.

It's so easy to say I trust Him, but when it really comes down to it...do I? I read His word and I love His word and I'm encouraged by His word, but could it be said of me that I not only believe the things of God, but that I also do them?

Trusting in the Lord is simple when life is going about peacefully and things are going our way, but trusting in the Lord when there are trials and questions and unknowns is a whole other story. Either way, He is absolutely trust-worthy and His character is spotless. My plans and ways and thoughts and actions are less than trust-worthy and far more spotty. He knows the way much better than I, and so in times like now, I so want every part of me to say, yes, I trust in the Lord and in His word with all my heart, with all my mind, and with all my soul. Not just when things are going my way, but when things are busy and unknown and my heart is overwhelmed. If he cares for the wildflowers and birds of the air, how much more does he care for me?

I don't have to have it all figured out this moment. I don't have to worry about life beyond today. I just have to trust and obey and remember...He is always faithful. I was made to depend on Him and am held within his constant grace.

And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith? - Matthew 6:30

That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life-whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn't life more than food, and your body more than clothing? - Matthew 6:25

Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you. - 1 Peter 5:7

Worry weighs a person down; an encouraging word cheers a person up. - Proverbs 12:25

And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work. - 2 Corinthians 9:8

And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 4:19

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct your paths. - Proverbs 3:5-6

Be still and know that I am God... - Psalm 46:10

Search me, God, and know my heart; try me and know my thoughts. See if there is any unrighteous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. - Psalm 139: 23-24

His word is alive and active. Those verses above are true. In fact, it's a powerful thing to replace certain words and apply them directly to myself as if He is sitting right beside me...

And if I care so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, I will certainly care for you, Sarah. Why do you have such little faith?

Sarah, give all your worries and cares to me, for I care for you.

Worry weighs you down, Sarah.

I will meet all your needs, Sarah, according the riches of my glory.

Trust in me with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, Sarah. In all your ways, acknowledge me and I will direct your paths.

Well when you put it like that......

What is there to fear?

What is there to be concerned about?

What is there to anxious for?

Where, in any of those words, is a God who isn't for me?

Or a God who doesn't know the desires of my heart?

No where. I am so thankful He is faithful. And that He cares for me and my children and our family and promises that He will always be enough and all I need. I confess my unbelief, and I lay these things at His feet. Right now. Every single one of them. I can do this.

And Gwendolyn? Well, I think she'll love her baby brother beyond words and she'll be so gentle and sweet with him. I need to remember that having a sibling is going to enrich her life. She'll always have us, but now she'll know the love and companionship of a sibling. I can't wait to see them together for the first time.

At the suggestion of one of my best friends, I will trust that His will be done as we prepare to welcome our son. You're right Sophie...breathe, peace, surrender.